Because You Feel
by jouissance
Summary: Regina helps Emma through the events after 4x18 and that unfortunate thing that happened to Cruella. Spoilers if you're behind in watching. Established Swanqueen.


**A little different than my normal OutlawQueen love fest, but what can I say? I ship both ways and I think this is something that would very likely happen between the lovely SwanQueen. As always, thanks for reading!**

 **Also, I'm writing this with Kleenex up my nose so enjoy that mental image.**

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"How is he?" Emma asked from Regina's couch where she sat in the dark. The queen had just come from their son's room, insisting that he and his other mother both stay with her tonight. Emma thinks she might have heard her mother protest, but Regina had an arm around her waist and the other around Henry and before she could give voice to the many reasons she didn't want to be anywhere near her parents the three of them were in Regina's foyer.

The brunette had ushered Emma's shocked self into the living room, sat her on the sofa and once she was sure she would stay there turned her attention to her son. Regina cupped Henry's face with her hands and stared into the boy's eyes. He smiled at her the way he always did, the way the melted her dark heart. "I'm okay, Mom. Really," he said as she pulled him into a tight hug. He was as tall as her now and Regina found herself silently cursing the year of his life she had missed.

"I'm not," Regina said when she finally let him go. There were tears streaking down her cheeks that she didn't bother to wipe away. "You could've died today and I wasn't there."

"Emma was. And you were too," he quickly added. "Between the two of you I knew I'd be fine. I've got the two mothers that no one should mess with."

Regina laughed at that and Henry saw her relax a little. "That you do," she smiled and hugged him one more time before ushering him up stairs.

/

"He's stronger than the both of us put together." Regina poured two drinks and flicked on a light that illuminated the room just enough for her to make her way to join Emma on the couch. "How are _you_?" she placed the whiskey in Emma's shaking hand and squeezed her knee.

"How do you live with it?" Emma stared hard at the amber liquid. Each time she blinked she saw Cruella's broken body at the bottom of the canyon.

Regina thought for a moment before shaking tortured memories from her head. "I just do."

Rumple wanted her to turn dark and he'd orchestrated her into a murderer. Emma hadn't thought about the consequences before the magic left her hands, hurling Cruella away from her son. It was instinct. But now, now there were no words for this feeling pressing down on her chest. "Is there a spell or a potion or something to take this away? I can't breathe Regina. I can't close my eyes. Gold won and I…"

Regina plunged her hand into Emma's chest and before the blonde had a chance to process the pain, she was staring at her own heart held gently in Regina's hands. "Still the lightest I've ever seen. It looks to me as if you passed Rumple's test, Miss Swan." She pushed it back in just as swiftly and only then did Emma groan out in pain.

"Was that really necessary?" Emma downed her drink and tried to scoot away, but Regina's grip on her thigh kept her in place.

"Do you feel better?" Regina asked.

"A little." Emma admitted, rubbing her chest even though the pain had already faded.

"Then it was necessary." She pulled Emma into her arms so that the blonde's back rested against her chest. Emma pulled her hair to the side and rested her face against Regina's neck. The queen's hand rested protectively over Emma's heart, taking over the rubbing motion for her. "You saved our son from a bedazzled psychopath, Emma. That doesn't make you a monster. It makes you a mother. You don't have to carry Cruella's death with you; you need to carry Henry's life. That was the alternative. Her death is on Gold, not you. He used her like he uses everyone: as a means to his twisted end."

"He used you too," Emma countered.

"At first perhaps, but most of my choices, most of the evil, was my own. I hurt people, Emma. More people than I can even remember. I did it with a smile on my face and almost none of them did a thing to deserve it." She felt Emma tense at the confession. The Savior was never comfortable hearing about her murderous past. Regina wrapped her arms a little tighter around Emma, needing something to ground her. Revealing anything about her past was always difficult and as much as she knew Emma didn't want to hear it, she needed to. Regina vowed to protect Emma's heart, if necessary, at the expense of her own.

"You're different now. You can't deny that you've changed," Emma assured her.

"I have," Regina admitted. "That boy upstairs saved me from myself; from an emptiness that was consuming me." They stayed quiet, content to be lost in their own thoughts for the moment.

"But I suppose, it doesn't erase the past." Emma finally admitted.

"No. It doesn't. Nothing ever will." Regina didn't know how to put it in words, the way she felt or more appropriately hadn't felt for so many years. How she was so broken that she crushed her father's heart for the chance at happiness, for the chance to feel anything at all. "You're going to be okay," she told the woman resting in her arms because no one had ever said that to her.

"How can you be so sure? " Emma nuzzled into Regina's neck, but the queen pushed her away. As Emma sat up Regina grabbed her knees and swung her so that they were facing.

"Because you _feel_ it, Emma." Regina shook the younger woman's shoulders, hard. "Because it's tearing you apart; because you're here begging to be rid of it. You _feel_ it. And you're going to get through it, but it's never going to away and that's a good thing. _That_ is light." She was louder than she meant to be and they both sat frozen for a moment hoping they hadn't woken their son.

"You're not." Emma whispered when she was satisfied they'd stay alone.

"I'm not what?" Regina had no idea where this conversation was headed.

"Okay, Regina. You're not okay." Emma pulled Regina's hands from her arms and held them in her lap. "In Neverland, you said that you didn't have any regrets about what you did as the Evil Queen because it got you Henry, but I've heard you cry out at night, Regina. I've held you against me so you wouldn't wake Henry. You can't tell me that's not regret."

"You have?" Regina was taken aback; Emma could hear it in her voice. She let her head fall, hair hiding her face from Emma's eyes. "I didn't know I still did that," she said, barely audible.

Emma squeezed her hands in response. "It's been worse since Maleficent and company showed up."

Regina felt hot tears stinging her eyes. She was no stranger to her nightmares, had woken up to a terrified little boy staring at her on more than one occasion. "What-What do I say?" She asked although she didn't really want to know.

"I can't always understand you. 'Run,' I think. Last night you shot straight up and yelled 'Stop me!'. I thought you'd woken yourself up, but you let me pull you back down. You shook for a while though." Emma's thumbs made small circles on the back of Regina's hands, trying to relax her.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea. You should've woken me."

"And risk a fireball to the chest? I don't think so." Emma was trying to lighten the dark place they'd fallen into and Regina was grateful for it, but she still couldn't meet her eyes.

"Regret and remorse are two very different things," Regina said after a silence that had gone just a bit too long. "If I changed a single footfall of my past it could destroy everything I have now and I'm not willing to sacrifice this." She raised their hands and softly kissed Emma's palm. She needed to get them back on track. She was supposed to be helping Emma, not the other way around. "If you hadn't of used your magic on Cruella, there's a very real chance Henry would not be sleeping upstairs right now."

"She couldn't hurt him; she didn't have the ability," Emma interrupted.

Regina cupped Emma's face. Her voice and eyes were stone-cold. "If she had been holding a gun to my son when I got there I would have ripped her apart without preamble. Henry would have seen the monster that his mother truly is and trust me, she is so much worse than the storybook portrayal."

"Regina." Emma tried to drop her head to rest against the queen's, but Regina held her firm. Her gaze was unwavering.

"Or the bitch could have tripped and taken Henry with her. Your parents could have spooked her; her possessed pooches could have gotten hungry; Henry could have tried to get the gun. Do you get my point, Emma?" She was starting to shout again and Emma held her wrists to calm her.

"She had to die," the Savior said quietly.

Regina relaxed her grip enough for Emma to bend down to her. "And you will never know how sorry I am that you had to be the one to do it, but it had to be done."

"I know," Emma kissed her temple as she got off the sofa, pulling Regina with her. They held each other another moment in the darkened room before parting in silence and making their way upstairs. It would likely be a sleepless night, but they both were grateful not to spend it alone.


End file.
